Rooted in Toxicity

Krysta Anderson
Krysta Anderson

September 9, 2019

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Many have heard time and time again that,

“Until you let go of all the toxic people in your life, you will never be able to grow into your fullest potential. Let them go so you can grow.”

But the reality is, it is all easier said than done.

It’s not that you want to remain with a toxic person per se – no one does. It is more along the lines of, you love this person so much that you don’t want to lose him or her. Here’s the ugly truth: you have been so consumed by this amorous love that you have neglected the most important love of them all: self-love.

Associate clinical psychologist Kamala McWhinney explained that in clinical sessions with women and couples, she has come to see the importance of addressing topics such as these. According to her, signs that your union is rooted in toxicity include the relationship being largely one-sided – one party shows the bulk of the effort in communication, compromise and attempts at bonding.

She went on further, “There is a lack of confidence where the other party caring about your needs is concerned, so one party no longer even cares to share what they need, want, think or feel. Also, conflicts go unresolved and pile up on each other – there is no real resolution happening. Healthy communication gives way to passive aggression. One or both parties feel the need to invade the other’s privacy to maintain control, snooping through phones, invading social media accounts, and more.”

Other indicators to note consists of feeling stressed out a majority of the time, lowering or diminishing your high standards and your self-worth, for the sake of love, and deception becoming the order of the day with lies, lies and more lies.

If you find yourself identifying these patterns in your relationship, McWhinney stated, it’s important to start being honest about your partner’s psychology and about your own. “It always takes two, so, there is likely something about your mindset, patterns and beliefs that caused you to be in a toxic space in the first place and make the decision to take up residence there.” This introspection can be uncomfortable to face, and this is why many people don’t engage fully with the freeing truth.

Here are three questions to ask yourself and consider that will assist in taking you one step closer to your emotional epiphany. 

  1. What do you think you deserve? 
  2. Do you believe that good men or women exist, and that you are worthy of them? 

If we operate from a scarcity mindset that says, “There are no good men left,” then we are more likely to settle for relationships below our standards and come to valorise things that are the bare minimum. “Well, at least he is respectful with the cheating,” or “Well, at least he is providing for me and the children.”

  1. What unresolved childhood baggage may you still be carrying around? 

We repeat what we don’t heal and relationships are the spaces in which many old traumas are playing out day after day. Many people are not even aware of it and so they cannot start to heal and to fix it.

Relationships are mirrors. So, in many ways, we attract what we are. A healthy relationship requires two healthy people who are aware of themselves and committed to continue growing and unlearning negative patterns.

Story by: Krysta Anderson

Krysta Anderson


Krysta Anderson

Tackles sex and relationships with honesty and openness. For months, she took readers on a journey of self-exploration with personal dating column 'Single but Iffy to Mingle'. Now she's ready for an even bigger adventure.

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